Against my better judgment, football has been on my mind quite a lot in the last fortnight (old naiveties die hard), and it is something of a relief that England's voyage towards the Final of the European Championship has been brought to an abrupt end by the Italians.
For one thing, when the Final takes place next Sunday night I will, pretty much to the minute, be walking out onstage at Salford University to conduct Mahler's 4th Symphony, a prospect which, had England still been in the competition, would have involved the difficulty of having to be in two places at once, ie in Salford and somewhere in front of a TV.
But also, if we had beaten Italy our opponents in the semis would have been Germany. While Italy are distinctly average at the moment, with only one great player (Pirlo, last night sending the ball curling to all parts of the ground, unimpeded by Rooney who was supposed to be marking him), the Germans are a great team, perhaps the only ones with a prayer of beating Spain. I shudder to think what humiliation the Hun would have visited on Roy Hodgson's journeymen.
The Finals have brought those in my family not much interested in football (ie 4/5ths of them) into close contact with the game, and I have been trying to help them by creating a bluffer's guide to what to say whilst watching England. Here it is.
"Early ball, Joe!" - an exhortation to England's goalkeeper to distribute the ball quickly to one of the wide players to set up another attack (in fact what Joe Hart does is hoof the ball upfield, thus giving away possession to the opposition).
"Stop giving the £$%&ing ball away!" - To be said after Hart has hoofed the ball upfield, giving away possession to the opposition; or after any of his team mates has done the same thing.
"I don't like this!" - To be said after "Stop giving the £$%&ing ball away!" when the opposition, having been gifted possession by England, are bearing down on our penalty area.
"Close him down!" - When, having reached the penalty area, the opposition have been given time and space to set themselves up for an attempt on goal.
"Row Z!" - When the opposition have lashed the ball goalwards, this cry, uttered loudly enough, can often act as a charm, mysteriously directing the ball to the uppermost tier of the stand.
"That'll do!" - When the ball is nestling in the uppermost tier of the stand, prior to it being returned to Joe Hart to hoof upfield again, thus conceding possession to the opposition.
"Early ball, Joe!" - It will be seen that only a small number of cries are required to follow England successfully on TV. Merely proceed through the above cycle during the 90 minutes.
"Shall I put the kettle on?" - A good way of breaking the silence when England have lost.
Anyway, enough footy till Brazil 2014. Bring on the Mahler!
