effing Ferguson

Wayne Rooney's "foul-mouthed" (copyright tabloids everywhere) outburst to Sky's cameras on Saturday was no doubt wrong and reprehensible. Despite my Man U sympathies I have never found Rooney a likeable character - typical Scouser actually, were it not for the fact that he has never to my knowledge ever said anything remotely charming or funny.

Inevitably the press are calling for his public evisceration. But who should do the punishing? The FA? The Premier League? Hardly. Bad language is used daily in professional football to, about and in front of referees, by both players and fans alike. As with many other aspects of a game in which cheating is rife, the authorities know perfectly well what is wrong and do absolutely nothing to prevent it. For them to punish Rooney would be the grossest hypocrisy. For all its ritualised violence, rugby does the discipline job much better.

Meanwhile, United march on towards a record 19th title. On Saturday their comeback had the mark of champions; their closest rivals Arsenal on the other hand, away at Blackburn, played like eunuchs. If Ferguson's team is successful again, he will truly have fulfilled the promise, made all those years ago, to "knock Liverpool off their perch".

OK, what he actually said was, "knock Liverpool off their fucking perch". So perhaps Ferguson isn't the man to punish Rooney either.

Whingeing Aussies

When I came home for an hour on Saturday between rehearsing Bruckner's 4th Symphony in the afternoon and performing it in the evening, I'd intended to rest. But the Test Match had reached such pitch of tension that I had to sit and listen to the denouement instead. After being outplayed comprehensively, England managed to hang on for the draw; needing to take only one more wicket to win, the Aussies simply ran out of time .

Amidst scenes of great drama, two things left a sour taste in the mouth. The first was the time-wasting of the England physio and 12th man, making spurious visits to the middle to use up a few precious minutes. The second was that the Aussie captain Ricky Ponting should have chosen to complain about it.

What a hypocrite! Firstly, he would have done exactly the same. Secondly, when did the Australians sign up to the Corinthian ideal? Or did I miss something?

No, for the men who invented sledging, the moral high ground is a long way up and far, far away, lost in the clouds and unattainable by those in the baggy green caps.